999,958: Tim Dog Feat. Kool Keith - "Secret Fantasies"

Before Kool Keith was the darling of weird underground rap in the mid-‘90s, he was the frontman of the respected East Coast crew Ultramagnetic MCs. Before Tim Dog was immortalized in Dre and Snoop’s “Dre Day” as one of the suckas who could eat a big fat dick, he was…well, he really hated the West Coast, and Dre in particular, devoting the vast, vast majority of his 1991 debut Penicillin on Wax to explaining why. One of the few detours came on the closing track, “Secret Fantasies,” which featured a guest spot from the not-yet-legendarily-freaky Keith. Instead of bragging about how many chicks he’s fucked, Tim starts out with a recitation about how proud he and his crew are of all the porn they’ve jerked off to, and how lots of brothers are afraid to share the fantasies they have about women in the music industry. Keith agrees, and what follows is, shall we say, impolitic. The not-so-secret-anymore fantasies are shocking not so much for their explicitness (though they definitely are explicit), but for the fact that the women here aren’t nameless or faceless – they’re all famous, easily identifiable, and presumably would rather not have their industry colleagues capitalizing on their names via graphic butt-sex vignettes. (Then again, having fired one of the earliest salvos in the East Coast/West Coast feud, Tim wasn’t exactly speaking his mind with tact.) First, Keith lays out a fantasy about fucking not only Pebbles (who was married to R&B bigwig L.A. Reid at the time), but two of her friends – who, oddly, DO remain nameless – at the same time. Tim Dog practically croons about breaking down the door to En Vogue’s dressing room and dropping his drawers to fuck each one of them in turn. This leads to the following immortal exchange:

TIM: “Dawn was the freaky one.”
KEITH: “How freaky?”
TIM: “Man, she’s so freaky. She wanted me to pee in her face.”
KEITH: “So what did you do?”
TIM: [nearly audible shrug] “I pissed in her face!”

Things wrap up with Keith’s Ultramagnetic compatriot Ced Gee dropping a verse about nutting in Prince protégé Vanity’s eye. “Secret Fantasies” wasn’t the ultimate reason none of these guys ever broke out of the underground, but it has to be, at the very least, symptomatic of why. Tim and Keith would later team up as Ultra for a poorly distributed album that is nonetheless pretty darn good, and – perhaps predictably – featured a song called “The Industry Is Wak.”

Secret Fantasies - Tim Dog