999,949: Sam Spence — The Pony Soldiers

The merits of listening to film scores are debatable at best—and here I use "debatable" to mean "really, really, really nerdy"—and listening to individual soundtrack cues completely out of context is embarrassingly debatable. Don't believe me? Why don't you slot "Roasted Dude" from Danny Elfman's Batman score into your next party mix and prepare a spirited defense of your choice.

But if you are already a debatable kind of person, there is a certain genius to the old time NFL Films music that transcends the need for context. Take The Pony Soldiers, for instance. You don't need to know where in the sports highlights this thing was originally supposed to go. You don't need to conjure the specific image of Johnny Touchdown leading the Bodegas down the field for a winning score against the Stevedores in the 1974 Poopy Bowl, or whatever the hell it was. All you need to see in your mind's eye while this plays are large men in colorful matching pajamas slamming into each other in slow motion while an oblong turd-like object squirts around between them. Cartwheeling, somersaulting, helmeted behemoths, their ligaments tearing while a ball spins in an arc above their brutalized, misshapen heads, to the sound of trilling flutes and a drum kit...regimented, homo-erotic, entirely legal violence, played back slowly enough that you can watch individual teeth dislodge from bloodied mouths and take flight.

Don't pretend you're above this. You live in America. And only in America will a groovy walking bass line, an electric harpsichord and triumphant French horns provide the musical backdrop for a reel of injuries endured by guys who made it into college for being genetic freak shows and who earn millions attempting to out-shove each other for three hours a week, 16 weeks a year. And even if you are above it, claiming immunity, as you do, to the adrenaline-producing properties of this goofy orchestral squall, one day The Pony Soldiers is still going to show up on that workout mix you're too mortified to play for anyone. Right after the theme from "Rocky".

The Pony Soldiers - Sam Spence