999,788: 10cc- I'm not in Love & 999,787: Enrique Iglesias feat. Kelis- Not in Love

Every generation tells the one below them "you kids think you invented sex." But clearly, Adam and st(eve) already did that eons ago. People have always fallen in love, co-habitated, had kids, fallen out of love, die. Not necessarily in that order, but you get the picture. One of those universal feelings is the fear of rejection. And no one, and I mean no one wants to be rejected. So that means you have to safeguard yourself from being made vulnerable. People are so squirmy about getting caught in a crush, they make sure to state their platonic feelings loudly. Except that can backfire. When "the lady doth protest too much," usually means some serious mojo is bubbling underneath the surface.

Hailing from completely different eras, cheese kings 10cc and Enrique Iglesias both attempt to act the part of too cool for school. Clocking in at a leisurely 6.02 minutes, 1975's "I'm not in Love" could not have a mushier production, but the lyrics insists "it doesn't mean that much" and "don't make a fuss." But holy cow, this song feels like someone is spraying you with a thick cologne. They've actually done studies with this song; if you listen to it in a small enclosed room and the volume is above level 7, you may experience involuntary swooning.

Enrique's "Not in Love" may have some Spanish-y guitar strums, a drum machine, and a different melody, but it is essentially the same song. Some dude and featured vocalist Kelis are repeatedly emphasizing how much they couldn't give a shit about the person they (or in this case, their hardworking producers) spent many moons writing a song about with a synthed out voiced wail in the background.

The wailing background sound just really brings it home for both songs. When one feels like having a pity party, it's nice to imagine a choir of people caring about your festival of sad.

999,789: Ben Folds Five - Uncle Walter

Ben Folds Five is so squeaky clean, it's the kind of band you can listen to on the drive BACK from Vegas to make yourself feel clean, sweet and innocent again. Everything about them is wholesome: from the cheery frilly piano, upbeat drums to jokey vocals. With that kind of street rep, people tend to give BF5 the side-eye in terms of "great band" status. There's nary a curse word or hard-edged anything. The 3 piece drums/bass/keys line-up didn't revolutionize music, just pumped out some cheesy piano-rock.

But they aren't exactly polished either....especially early Ben Folds Five, like "Uncle Walter." The messy pop cacophony captures that moment the band finally just managed to learn to put the song together. But what a song! Folds' effortlessly navigates a very large-range tightly packed vocal and jazzy piano solo. Not to mention the sophisticated contrast of the song's theme of batty old man matched with their jingle-jangle sound. Here the band is in the prime of their youth lamenting the everyday awkward of being left alone with a spaced out senior citizen.

Ben Folds Five may have been juvenile, but they certainly weren't stupid.

999,790: Hanson - Give A Little

It's a very sad time in America for rock n' roll. The only rock song to chart on the Billboard 100 in 2010 was Train's "Soul Sister," which just barely qualifies as being a rock song. If anybody should be able to bring rock back into the mainstream, it's HANSON, right?! I mean, can you really feel threatened by them in any way, my fellow Americans? They have soft skin, pretty faces (except for Isaac), and have buttery smooth vocals. In the video for "Give a Little" (the hooky-iest pop rock jam I've heard in a long while) Taylor Hanson literally drapes himself in an American flag for no particular reason other than to remind you that we United States-ians can still make pop records that don't need to be outsourced to Sweden.

More importantly, the song leads with a guitar riff. Remember America? We like guitar! Oh, but if that guitar sound is too wild for you, the heavy horn section should keep you happy. Or not. This song is currently #98 on itunes. You GUYS! come ON. Can we just take a break from buying Black Eyed Peas and Bruno Mars songs for like a day? Give a little heart and soul. Let your body lose control.

More importantly, this song reminds me of something fictional band The Wonders would write.

999,791: Dane Cook - I'll Never Be You

Dane Cook has never ceased to fascinate me. The frat boy of comedians, he hasn't exactly established himself in hipster circles OR bro-town square dances. He had a movie career that came and went after a few excruciating films. Releasing a song to promote a stand-up tour isn't out of the ordinary... until you listen to the song. "I'll Never Be you" goes for a big dramatic set up and you keep waiting for the joke to hit. and Waiting. It isn't clear where you are supposed to laugh. I *think* Dane's pretending to be an obsessive fan who turns angry ala Stan. Unlike Eminem's classic, this comedy jam takes itself way too seriously. If there are explicit jokes in this song, they are lost on me.

And yet. Ugh. This hurts to type. The pure music side of this track appeals to me. I enjoy the frivolous harmonies and lone bass. The crashing drums are downright fun! And even worse, I actually find Dane Cook's voice charming and (dare I say it?) kind of sexy. I have no idea what he is singing about, but when he says he'd like to "hang out at the coffee bean", I would probably drop everything to meet him there.

He moans at the end of the track "I hate you, but I really really wanna be you." Dane Cook knows you know he's pretty awful. But he's okay with that. He'll just make a faux-rock song about it and get a latte. Including anime fan-vid because it adds to the dorkiness of this song experience.


I'll Never Be You DBZ

Randy | Myspace Video

999,793: Perry Como - Magic Moments ; 999,792 Ronnie Hilton - Magic Moments

A kind of a bizarre, yet common, practice was that back in the 40s/50s day when a song hit it big in the United States, it was re-recorded by someone of the United Kingdom. Especially weird since Como's version was a number one hit in England. Although Glee is certainly bringing that useless-covers-of-recent-songs trend back. ANYWAY, Listening to the two versions of Magic Moments side by side, the production is strikingly similar: lots of strings, back-up ladies singing, whistling (though MUCH more whistling for Como), and the sweet lead stylings of Ronnie and Perry. Picking them apart is like playing the pub game Photohunt. (or Highlighes magazine feature). However, one thing did kind of separate them: attitude.

Perry may be singing about some really special times, but in the typical American fashion he's pretty casual about the whole affair. His vocals are almost conversational. On the other hand, Ronnie is singing with the emotion of someone auditioning for X-Factor: enunciating every word, going for full vibrato on every throwaway line. You see, Ronnie made his career on these covers. Ronnie had to try HARDER, push himself FARTHER and go to the limits of what it meant to be a cheeseball crooner. And if you are trying to out-cheese mr. goody two shoes Perry Como, you are gonna end up in velveeta land!