999,919: Aztec Camera — Jump

What is an “Aztec Camera”? Some sort of ancient Mezoamerican astrological device? A cheap disposable 35mm from south of the border? Yes, an Aztec Camera is all these things. However, judging from this song I think it might also be a device that changes a thing into a snapshot of its opposite. Put “white” in the chute, and out pops “black”. Put “hate” in, and “love” come out the other end. Put “Jump” by Van Halen in, and “Jump” by Aztec Camera shoots out the back.

Like magic, the signature synth line has become a tasteful acoustic guitar. Alex Van Halen’s pounding drums have been replaced by what is either a drum machine, or a drummer so lifeless and rote he might as well be one. David Lee Roth’s infantile yelping has morphed into stately Scottish sad sack smoothery. How could two songs be more opposite? Different words wouldn’t help. Opposites are always similar in basic ways. There’s a reason the opposite of “love” isn’t “knife”. Only another strong emotion will do.

As long as copies of the original song exist, there are very few reasons to listen to this version apart from 1) a purely academic examination of what makes a thing a thing and another thing another thing and not a thing, or 2) to piss off, say, a maternal uncle, or a mechanic, or some other VH enthusiast.

It’s a good thing this track exists, though. If, God forbid, something should happen to all the digital and physical copies of 1984 and all the “Jump” cassingles, we could end up with a passable copy of the original if we fed this version into an Aztec Camera.