999,820: Suicide — Frankie Teardrop

From workouts to road trips to killing your whole family and committing suicide, we spend a lot of time sound-tracking the mundane activities of our lives. It might be difficult finding the perfect music for every occasion, but if you're planning to murder your whole family and commit suicide and can't find the right tune to crank in the background, you might consider "Frankie Teardrop", a song about a guy who murders his whole family and then commits suicide, by the band Suicide (original name: Kill Your Whole Family and then Commit Suicide, The Band).

Not only does "Frankie Teardrop" explicitly describe the aforementioned crime of murderous violence, but it sounds like the noise your brain probably makes while undertaking said crime, i.e., the relentless, paranoia-drenched white noise of a hammering drum machine accompanied by rumbling synths and punctuated by ethereal, cold-blooded human shrieks. And at 10 and a half minutes long, it gives you plenty of time to commit the act (assuming a family of three—you, wife, six month-old kid in the crib). Ol' Frankie Teardrop gets it done pretty fast, considering; he works 10 hours a day in a factory, but by 2m 45s he can't buy enough food, and the whole family's blown away less than two minutes later. Let's hear it for Frankie!

Getting the deed out of the way so quickly has its drawbacks, though, and in this case it just means that Frankie has to spend more than half the song traveling to hell while getting pummeled by the pulsating jackhammer of Suicide's musical headache. In fact, if you're not planning to kill your whole family and then yourself, you could skip listening to "Frankie Teardrop" entirely and probably live a long, fulfilling, murder-suicide-free life.

Of course, you can listen to "Frankie Teardrop" without engaging in unspeakable acts, but if you do you should prepare for the possibility that you or your pets or other humans around you could become utterly and unintentionally freaked out, especially in the wee hours when you haven't had a lot of sleep and your college roommate is blasting this song in the middle of a marathon finals week study session. If it does give you a major case of the willies, though, you can always switch to the frothy bubblegum pop of Cannibal Corpse.