999,835: Don Henley — The End of the Innocence

I have hated the Eagles since way before it was cool*, and with much more passion than you could possible imagine. In fact, I can say with some confidence that if someone pointed a gun at my head and told me I must choose between listening to an album by the Eagles proper or a solo album from a solitary Eagle, I would instead choose the sweet Eagles-free embrace of the grave. But if that someone were to then turn the gun on a loved one- and I mean a real loved one, not some throw away cousin or great aunt- I would grudgingly ask to listen to whatever Don Henley album has “The End of the Innocence” on it.

I do not think “The End of the Innocence” is a great song, or even a particularly good one. Sure, that light piano lick Bruce Hornsby plays throughout is ever so slightly atonal (compared to the Eagles’s and Henley’s usual clinically bland sound this slight atonality is the sonic equivalent of Bruce Hornsby shitting on your grandmother’s birthday cake) but this tiny gesture isn’t enough to save the song from being dragged down by all the maudlin lost innocence claptrap.

What does save this song is the fact that, on approximately the 50,000th time I heard it, after 49,999 listens wherein it instantly melted into the sonic background, it surprised and shocked me. One day, while shopping for deodorant in my local Walgreens, the song started playing over the store’s PA. For the first time I really heard what Henley meant with the “lay your head down on the grass” part. (You’ve heard it so many times I’m sure you can conjure the chorus so I won’t waste time typing it out here.) Think about it- Don Henley is vowing to take the innocence of a girl in a field of grass by force, after overcoming her best defenses. That’s pretty raw stuff, especially coming over the speakers at Walgreens.

Since the girl in the song is a ham fisted metaphor and not supposed to be a real person, it’s safe to say there isn’t any real danger of anyone getting raped. But the idea that Don Henley snuck this song about sexually assaulting a metaphor in a field onto lite rock radio put a smile on face, one which lasted long after I’d paid for my deodorant.

I know I’m grading on a serious curve here, but if an Eagles solo recording can do something besides make me want to pour Clorox in my ears, it deserves its place on this august list.

* Like clowns, the Eagles were immensely popular for years and years, and then, seemingly overnight, everyone decided to hate them. I believe the turning point for clowns was the highly rated 1990 mini-series adaptation of Stephen King’s It, which featured a clown who, unlike most real world clowns, did not manage to successfully kill all the children he ever came in contact with. I believe the Eagles made their transition to hated in 1998, after the scene in The Big Lebowski where The Dude is kicked out of a taxicab for professing his hatred for the band. Many viewers were unaware until that very moment that it is acceptable- or even possible- to vehemently dislike musicians who sound so incredibly innocuous, and suddenly freed of all prior restraint, began to hate the Eagles with a white hot passion previously reserved for Seals & Croft or Air Supply.

The End Of The Innocence - Bru...