999,984: Glasvegas — Geraldine

There is a kind of song that earns an instant F in my judgement. It is the "Even-though-you-are-a-massive-fuck-up-no-worries-because-I'm-here-to-save-the-day" song. Coldplay's "Fix You" is a perfect example. That's the one where they promise to "Guide you home" and "Ignite your bones"(!) in their effort to "fix you." The moment Glasvegas launches into "Geraldine" it's clear we're in for more of this sort of tripe. "When your sparkle evades your soul, I'll be at your side to console. When you're standing on the window ledge, I'll talk you back from the edge" Gah! They're really shooting the moon on this one. But it get's worse. "I will turn your tide, Be your shepard and your guide. When you're lost in the deep and darkest place around, may my words walk you home safe and sound." Oh for crying out loud. Lyrics like this don't just discredit songs. They discredit entire albums. They discredit entire BANDS. That's it. Fuck Glasvegas. They are on the permanent shit list. If my finger weren't so far from the stop button on my ipod I'd be turning this sonic disaster off. Instead I'm forced to endure a whole other verse of similar nonsense, ending with the couplet, "I'll be the angel on your shoulder. My name is Geraldine, I'm your social worker." Hold on a minute. What was that? This song ISN'T about the singer's own outsized self-regard? This song is about a social worker? Oh my god. That's genius. Do you hear me? Pure genius. I love this band. Because of course there actually ARE people whose job it is to do the things that Coldplay, REM and U2 only pretend to do in their songs. They just don't get paid for shit and they don't write crap songs about it. So kudos to Glasvegas for giving credit where credit is long overdue.

Geraldine (Album Version) - Gl...